Do you miss the weeks of posting ads, making calls, conducting interviews and checking references so much that you’re ready to do it again? Of course you are. To keep the fun times rolling, here is a guide on how to lose an employee in 10 days.
Day 1: Don’t introduce your new employee to anyone. Furthermore, make sure to instruct all your existing employees to stare at them when they walk by and whisper behind their back.
Day 2: Offer no training. Don’t tell the employee about the mission of the company, how they will contribute to the company’s goals or even how to do their everyday tasks. Just throw them right in. Even the most competent new hire will be at a total loss.
Day 3: Make them purchase their own office supplies. You can provide them with a computer, but make sure it is the oldest, slowest one you can find in the back of the supply closet.
Day 4: Have them sign in and out for bathroom breaks. In fact, you should account for your new employee’s whereabouts every second of every day. Instruct them to make up missed minutes at the end of the day.
Day 5: Closely monitor their computer and phone, and limit their personal use to zero minutes a day. Disregard the fact that they have personal lives outside the office.
Day 6: Don’t answer any of their questions. Actually, interrupt them so they can’t get a word in.
Day 7: Share every piece of office gossip you can think of. Make sure you mention who spends the most time in the bathroom, who takes the longest lunches, who always takes an extra piece of birthday cake, and also tell them the agenda of the private budget meeting.
Day 8: Compensate them with the lowest wage and fewest benefits possible. They will appreciate the company’s frugality.
Day 9: Make sure to never ever show appreciation for your new employee’s efforts.
Day 10: Just leave an empty cardboard box on their desk… If they’re not already gone.
Do you have advice for how to promote quick turnover at your company? Share in the comments below.